A Midsummer Night's Dream
by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Summary: Two pairs of lovers spent a night in the Sunnydale forest, not knowing that they are sharing space with the King and Queen of Fairies....
1. Dramatis Personae

Disclaimer: In this comedy, the characters of Joss and the play of  
the Bard meet the twisted mind of the Bunny, and the result is  
vaguely recognizable, and strangely amusing. Alas, the Bunny owns  
not the characters shown here, nor even the plot, nor even the words  
used. Isn't it tragic?   
  
  
A Cast of Characters   
  
Gileseus, Duke of Sunnydale   
  
Jannolyta, Queen of the Romani, betrothed to Gileseus   
  
Wesleus, Father of Cormia   
  
Philosnyder, Master of Revels to Gileseus   
  
Lyxander, in love with Cormia   
  
Willena, in love with Ozmetrius   
  
Puck, or Robin Whistlefellow   
  
Angelron, King of the Fairies   
  
Buffania, Queen of the Fairies   
  
Spike, a Weaver   
  
The Master, a Carpenter   
  
Mr. Trick, a Joiner   
  
Lyle Gorch, a Bellows-Mender   
  
Dalton, a Tinker   
  
The Annointed One, a Tailer   
  
Faith, a Fairy   
  
Kendra, a Fairy   
  
Amy, a Fairy   
  
Marcy (the invisible girl), a Fairy   
  



	2. I Certainly Hope That You're A Theater B...

Act One, Scene One   
[Sunnydale, the Royal Library]   
  
{enter Gileseus, Jannoyta, with Philosnyder and courtiers}   
  
Gileseus: Now, fair Jonnolyta, our wedding day draws apace: four more days will bring the new moon and our nuptual hour, but O! how long it seems.   
  
Jannolyta: Four days will quickly steep themselves in night; Four nights will quickly dream away the time; and then the moon shall behold the night of our vows.   
  
Gileseus: Go, Philosnyder, stir up the Sunnydalian youth to merriments; awake the pert and the nimble spirit of mirth; turn melancholy forth to funerals; give them the day off of school.   
  
{exit Philosnyder}   
  
Jannolyta: I woo'd thee with my laptop, and won thy love by mocking your tweed; But I will wed thee in another key, with pomp, with triumph, and with reveling.   
  
{enter Wesleus and his daughter Cormia, Lyxander, and Ozmetrius}   
  
Wesleus: Happy be Gileseus, our renowned duke!   
  
Gileseus: Thanks, good Wesleus: what's new with you?   
  
Wesleus: Very pissed come I, with complaint against my child, my daughter Cormia. Come forward, Ozmetrius. My noble lord, this man hath my consent to marry her. Come forward, Lyxander: and, my gracious duke, this man hath bewitch'd the mind of my child: Thou, thou, Lyxander, thou hast woo'd her in closets, and gifted upon her tokens of love, knacks, and trifles. With cunning hast thou stolen my daughter's heart; and turned her obediance of me into stubborn harshness. And, my gracious duke, now she refuses to marry Ozmetrius. I ask that in the ancient tradition of Sunnydale she either do as I tell her or suffer the penalty of death.   
  
Gileseus: What say you, Cormia? Keep in mind, fair maid, that it is your daughterly duty to obey your father. Besides, Ozmetrius is a worthy gentleman.   
  
Cormia: So is Lyxander.   
  
Gileseus: True, but as Ozmetrius is favored by your father, and therefor must be regarded as worthier.   
  
Cormia: I would that my father look'd but with my eyes.   
  
Gileseus: Rather your eyes must with his judgement look.   
  
Cormia: Please pardon my bold speech, your grace, but I beseech you that I might know the worst that might happen to me if I refuse to wed Ozmetrius.   
  
Gileseus: You will either be put to death or be required to become a nun, forswearing the society of men. And while that is praiseworthy, I doubt that you would enjoy it very much.   
  
Cormia: But I would become a sister before I ever consented to wed Ozmetrius.   
  
Gileseus: I will give you until my wedding four nights hence to consider your options, and on that day you must either prepare to die for disobediance to your father's will, or else wed Ozmetrius, or at the altar swear to austerity and a single life.   
  
Ozmetrius: Relent, sweet Cormia; and Lyxander, yield thy crazed title to my certain right.   
  
Lyxander: You have her father's love, Ozmetrius; let me have Cormia's, marry Wesleus instead.   
  
Wesleus: Scornful Lyxander! True, he hath my favor, and what he is mine my favor shall render him; and she is mine, and all my right of her I do estate unto Ozmetrius.   
  
Lyxander: I am, my lord, just as wealthy as Ozmetrius. My name is as well regarded, and in every way are we equal, save that I am greater in that I am belove'd of beauteous Cormia. Why should I give up my right to her hand? Ozmetrius made love to Rosenburg's daughter, Willena, and won her soul; and she, sweet lady, dotes, devoutly dotes upon this inconstant man.   
  
Gileseus: I have heard this also, and had thought to speak of it with Ozmetrius, but being busy, it slipped my mind. But Ozmetrius, come, and you also, Wesleus, I would speak in private with you both. As for you, Cormia, think well upon your choices. Come, my Jannolyta.   
  
Wesleus: With duty and desire we follow you.   
  
{exit Gileseus, Jannolyta, Wesleus, Ozmetrius, and courtiers}   
  
Lyxander: How now, my love! Why is your cheek so pale? For aught that ever I read, never did true love run smooth; either it was different in blood, or years, or upon the choice of friends-   
  
Cormia: Oh, hell! To choose love by another's opinion.   
  
Lyxander: Or, war, death, or sickness, did lay siege to it, making it momentary as a sound, swift as a shadow, short as any dream, or brief as the lighting in the collied night.   
  
Cormia: If then true lovers have ever been cross'd, it stands as an edict in destiny: let our trial teach us patience.   
  
Lyxander: I have a plan, sweet Cormia. I have a widowed aunt of great wealth who is childless, and her house is seven leagues from Sunnydale. She regards me as a son, there, gentle Cormia, may I marry thee, in a place where sharp Sunnydalian law cannot pursue us. If you love me, then sneak out of your house tomorrow night, and sneak to the forest we once met with Willena, and there I will wait for thee.   
  
  
Cormia: My good Lyxander! I swear to thee by Cupid's strongest bow,   
by his best arrow with the golden head,   
by the simplicity of Venus' doves,   
by that which knitteth souls and prospers lovers,   
And by that fire which burn'd the Carthage queen,   
When the false Trojan under sail was seen,   
By all the vows that ever men have broke,   
In number more than ever women spoke,   
In that same place thou hast appointed me,   
Tomorrow truly will I meet with thee.   
  
Lyxander: Keep promise, love. Look, here comes Willena.   
  
{enter Willena}   
  
Cormia: Hello, fair Willena! What are you doing here?   
  
Willena: You call me fair? That fair again unsay. Ozmetrius loves your fair: O happy fair! O! teach me how you look, and with what art you sway the motion of Ozmetrius' heart.   
  
Cormia: I frown upon him, yet he loves me still.   
  
Willena: O! that your frowns would teach my smiles such skill.   
  
Cormia: I give him curses, yet he gives me love.   
  
Willena: O! that my prayers such affection move.   
  
Cormia: The more I hate, the more he follows me.   
  
Willena: The more I love, the more he hateth me.   
  
Cormia: His folly, Willena, is no fault of mine.   
  
Willena: None but your beauty, and would that fault were mine!   
  
Cormia: Take comfort, he will no longer see my face. Lyxander and I will flee this place.   
  
Lyxander: Willena, we will tell you our plan. Tomorrow night, a time that lovers' flights doth still conceal, through Sunnydale's gates have we devised to steal.   
  
Cormia: And in the woods, were you and I would often sit and speak, shall Lyxander and I meet. And from there we shall flee, and leave Ozmetrius to thee. Farewell, Lyxander, we must starve our sight, from lover's food till morrow deep midnight.   
  
{exit Cormia}   
  
Lyxander: I will, my Cormia. Willena, adieu: As you on him, may Ozmetrius dote on you!   
  
{exit Lyxander}   
  
Willena: How happy some o'er other some can be! Through Sunnydale I am considered as fair as she! But what does it matter, Ozmetrius does not think so. And in Love's eyes, all of his faults seem to be virtues. I shall go tell him of fair Cormia's flight: and then to the forest tomorrow night he will pursue her, and for telling him such perhaps he will thank me, though his thanks shall come at a great expense. But I would do anything to have his sight thither and back again.   
  
{exit}   
  



	3. ....Or Studied The Play In High School.....

Act One, Scene Two  
[A Room in The Master's Cave]  
  
{enter The Master, a carpenter; Mr. Trick, a joiner; Spike Bottom, a weaver; Lyle Gorch, a bellows-maker; Dalton, a tinker; and Colin Starveling, a tailor}  
  
The Master: Is all our company here?  
  
Spike: You had better do a roll call.   
  
The Master: Here is a scroll of every vamp's name, which is thought fit, through all Sunnydale, to play in our interlude before the duke and the duchess at his wedding feast.  
  
Spike: First, good Master, say what the play is; then read the names of the actors, and so get to the point.  
  
The Master: Fine. Our play is, The Most Lamentable Comedy, And Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisby.  
  
Spike: A very good piece of work, I assure you, and a comedy. Now, good Master, call forth your actors by the scroll. Gentlevamps, spread yourselves.  
  
The Master: Answer as I call you. Spike Bottom, the weaver.  
  
Spike: Ready. Name what part I am for, and proceed.  
  
The Master: You, Spike Bottom, are set down for Pyramus.  
  
Spike: What is Pyramus? A lover, or a tyrant?  
  
The Master: A lover, who kills himself most gallantly for love.  
  
Spike: That will ask some tears in the true performing of it: if I do it, let the audience look to their eyes; I will move storms, I will condole in some measure. Yet my chief humour is for a tyrant. Name the rest of the players.  
  
The Master: Lyle Gorch, the bellows-mender.  
  
Lyle: Here, Master.  
  
The Master: You must take the role of Thisby.  
  
Lyle: What is Thisby? A wandering knight?  
  
The Master: It is the lady that Pyramus must love.  
  
Lyle: Nay, let not me play a woman; I am trying to grow a beard.  
  
The Master: That's all right: you shall play it in a mask, and you may speak as small as you want.  
  
Spike: As I can also hide my face, let me play Thisby too. I'll speak in a monstrous little voice, 'Thisby, Thisby!' 'Ah, Pyramus, my lover dear; thy Thisby dear, and lady dear!'  
  
The Master: No, no; you must play Pyramus; and Lyle, you Thisby.  
  
Spike: Well, proceed.  
  
The Master: Colin Starveling, the tailor.  
  
Colin: Here, Master.  
  
The Master: Colin, you must play Thisby's mother. Dalton, the tinker.  
  
Dalton: Here, Master.  
  
The Master: You will play Pyramus' father; I will play Thisby's father; and Trick, the joiner, you shall play the lion's part: and, I hope, here is a play fitted.  
  
Trick: Have you the lion's part written? Pray you, if it be, give it me, for I am slow of study.  
  
The Master: You may do it off-the-cuff, for it is nothing but roaring.  
  
Spike: Let me play the lion too. I will roar, that I will do any man's heart good to hear me; I will roar, that I will make the duke say, 'Let him roar again, let him roar again.'  
  
The Master: And you should do it too terribly, you would fright the duchess and the ladies, that they would shriek; and that were enough to stake us all.  
  
All: That would stake us, every mother's son.  
  
Spike: I grant you, friends, if that you should fright the ladies out of their wits, they would have no more discretion but to stake us; but I will aggravate my voice so that I will roar you as gently as any sucking dove; I will roar you as sweetly as any nightingale.   
  
THe Master: You can play no part but Pyramus; for Pyramus is a sweet-faced man; a proper man, as one shall see in a summer's day; a most lovely, gentleman-like man; therefore, you must needs play Pyramus.  
  
Spike: Well, I will undertake it.   
  
The Master: Vamps, here are your parts; and I am to entreat you, request you, and desire you, to learn them by tomorrow night, and meet me in the palace wood, a mile outside of town, by moonlight: there will we rehearse; for if we meet in the city, we shall be dogged with company, and our plans known. In the meantime I will draw a bill of properties, such as our play wants. I pray you, fail me not.  
  
Spike: We will meet: and there we may rehearse more obscenely and courageously. Tak pains; be perfect; adieu.  
  
The Master: At the duke's oak we meet.  
  
Spike: Enough, away.  
  
{all exit}  
  



	4. .....Or At Least Saw The Movie!

A forest near Sunnydale   
  
{enter Faith the Fairy at one door, and Robin Whistlefellow at another}  
  
Puck: How now, spirit! Whither wander you?  
  
  
Faith: Over hill, over dale  
Through bush, through brier,  
Over park, over pale,  
Through flood, through fire,  
I do wander everywhere,  
Swifter than the moon's sphere;  
And I serve the fairy queen,  
To dew her orbs upon the green:  
The cowslips tall her pensioners be;   
In their gold coats spots you see;  
Those be rubies, fairy favours,  
In their freckles live their saviors:  
I must go seek some dew-drops here,  
And hang a pearl in every cow-slip's ear.  
Farewell, thou lob of spirits: I'll be gone;  
Our queen and all her elves come here anon.  
Puck: The king doth keep his revels here to-night.  
Take heed the queen come not within his sight;  
For Angelron is passing fell and wrath,  
Because that she as her attendant hath  
A lovely boy, stol'n from a Canadian king;  
She never had so sweet a changeling;  
And jealous Angelron would have the child  
Knight of his train, to trace the forests wild;  
But she, perforce, refuses to give him the loved boy,  
Crowns him with flowers, and makes him all her joy.  
And now they never meet in grove, or green,  
By fountain clear, or spangled starlight sheen,  
But they do argue; that all their elves, for fear,  
Creep into acorn-cups and hide there.  
Faith: Either I mistake your shape and lack of fashion sense quite,  
Or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite  
Call'd Robin Whistlefellow: are you not he  
Who doth mislead night wanderers, laughing at their harm?  
Those that Hobgoblin call you and sweet Puck,  
You do their work, and they shall have good luck:  
Are you not he?  
Puck: Fairy, thou speak'st aright;  
I am that merry wanderer of the night.  
I jest to Angelron, and make him smile.  
But look out, fairy! Here comes Angelron.  
Faith: And here my mistress. Would that he were gone!  
{Enter the King of Fairies, Angelron, at one door with his train; and the Queen, Buffania, at another with hers}  
  
Angelron: Ill met by moonlight, proud Buffania.  
  
Buffania: What! Jealous Angelron. Fairies, skip hence: I have forsworn his bed and company.  
  
Angelron: Tarry, rash wanton! Am I not your lord?   
  
  
Buffania: Then, I must be thy lady. but I know  
When thou hast stol'n away from fairy land  
And in the shape of Angelus sat all day,  
Playing on pipes of corn, and versing love  
To amorous Drusilda. Why art thou here,   
Come from the furthest steep of Canada?  
But that, forsooth, the bouncing Technopagan,  
Your buskin'd mistress and your computer teacher love,  
To Gileseus must be wedded, and you come  
To give their bed joy and prosperity.  
Angelron: How canst thou thus for shame, Buffania,  
Glance at my credit with Jannolyta,  
Knowing I know thy love for Gileseus?  
Buffania: These are the forgeries of jealousy:  
And never, since the middle summer's spring,  
Met we on hill, in dale, forest, or mead,  
By paved fountain, or by rushy brook,  
Or in the beached margent of the sea,  
To dance our ringlets to the whistling wind,  
But with thy arguements thou hast disturb'd our sport.  
And as result, all of nature is in chaos.  
The spring, the summer, the childing autumn, angry winter, change  
Their wonted liveries, and the mazed world,  
By their increase now knows not which is which.  
And this same progeny of evil comes  
From our debate, from our dissention.  
Angelron: Do you amend it then; for it lies in you.  
Why should Buffania cross her Angelron?  
I do but beg a little changeling boy,  
To be my lackey.  
Buffania: Set your heart at rest;  
The fairy land buys not the child of me.  
His mother was a votaress of my order:  
And, in the spiced Canadian air, by night,  
Full often hath she gossip'd by my side,  
Would fetch me trifles, her womb then rich with my young squire,  
But she, being mortal, of that boy did die;  
And for her sake I do rear up her boy,  
And for her sake I will not part with him.  
Angelron: How long within this wood intend you stay?  
  
Buffania: Perchance, till after Gileseus' wedding-day.  
If you will patiently dance in our round,  
And see our moonlight revels, go with us;  
If not, shun me, and I will spare your haunts.  
Angelron: Give me that boy, and I will go with thee.  
  
Buffania: Not for thy fairy kingdom. Fairies, away!   
We shall start fighting again, if I longer stay.  
{exit Buffania and her train}  
  
Angelron: Well, go thy way: thou shalt not from this grove  
Till I torment thee for this injury.  
My gentle Puck, come hither.  
Fetch me that flower that maids call Love-in-idleness;   
The herb I show'd thee once:  
The juice of it on sleeping eyelids laid  
Will make man or woman madly dote  
Upon the next live creature that it sees.  
Fetch me this herb; and be thou here again  
Before a leviathon can swim a league.  
Puck: I'll put a girdle round about the earth in forty minutes.  
{exit Puck}  
  
  
Angelron: Having once this juice,  
I'll watch Buffania when she is asleep,  
And drop the liquid of it in her eyes:  
The next thing that she waking looks upon,  
Be it on lion, bear, or wolf, or bull,  
On meddling monkey, or on busy ape,  
She shall pursue it with the soul of love:  
And ere I take this charm off from her sight,  
As I can take it with another herb,  
I'll make her render up her page to me.  
{a noise is heard}  
  
Angelron: But who comes here? I shall lurk,  
And I will overhear their conference.  
{Enter Ozmetrius, Willena following him}  
  
Ozmetrius: I love thee not, therefore pursue me not.  
Where is Lyxander and fair Cormia?  
The one I'll slay, the other slayeth me.  
Thou told'st me they were stol'n into this wood;  
And here am I, and wood within this wood,  
Because I cannot meet my Cormia.  
Hence! Get thee gone, and follow me no more.  
Willena: You draw me, you hard-hearted adament:  
But yet you draw not iron, for my heart  
Is true as steel: leave you your power to draw,  
And I shall have no power to follow you.  
Ozmetrius: Do I entice you? Do I speak you fair?  
Or, rather, do I knot in plainest truth  
Tell you I do not nor I cannot love you?  
Willena: And even for that do I love you the more.  
Neglect me, lose me; only give me leave,  
Unowrthy as I am, to follow you.  
What worser place can I beg in your love,  
And yet a place of high respect with me,  
Than to be used as you use your dog?  
Ozmetrius: Tempt not too much the hated of my spirit,  
For I am sick when I do look on you.  
Willena: And I am sick when I do not look on you.  
  
Ozmetrius: You do impeach your modesty too much,  
To leave the city, and commit yourself  
Into the hands of one that loves you not;  
To trust the opportunity of night  
And the ill counsel of a desert place  
With the rich worth of your virginity.  
Willena: Your virtue is my privilege: for that  
It is not night when I do see yoru face,  
Therefore I think I am not in the night;  
Nor doth this wood lack worlds of company,  
For you in my respect are all the world:  
Then how can it be said I am alone,  
When all the world is here to look upon me?  
Ozmetrius: I'll run from thee and hide me in the bushes,  
And leave thee to the mercy of wild beasts.  
Willena: The wildest hath not such a heart as you.  
Run when you will, the story shall be chang'd;  
Apollo flies, and Daphne holds the chase;  
The dove pursues the griffin; the mild hind  
Makes speed to catch the tiger: bootless speed,  
When cowardice pursues and valour flies.  
{Willena grabs and holds onto Ozmetrius' coat}  
  
Ozmetrius: I will not stay thy questions: let me go;  
Or, if thou follow me, do not believe  
But I shall do thee mischief in the wood.  
Willena: Ay, in the temple, in the town, the field,  
You do me mischief. Fie, Ozmetrius!  
Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex.  
We cannot fight for love, as men may do;  
We should be woo'd and were not meant to woo.  
{Ozmetrius frees himself and exits}  
Willena: {continued} I'll follow thee and make a heaven of hell, To die upon the hand I love so well.  
  
{Willena exits}  
  
  
Angelron: {delurking} Fare thee well, nymph: ere he do leave this   
grove,  
Thou shalt fly him, and he shall seek thy love.  
{enter Puck}  
Angelron: Hast thou the flower? Welcome, wanderer.  
  
Puck: Aye, I have it.  
  
  
Angelron: I pray thee, give it me.  
I know a place where Buffania sleeps some time of the night,  
Lull'd in the flowers with dances and delight;  
And with the juice of this I'll streak her eyes,  
And make her full of hateful fantasies.  
Take thou some of it, and seek through this grove:  
A sweet Sunnydalian lady is in love  
With a disdainful youth: anoint his eyes;  
But do it when the next thing he espies  
May be the lady. Thou shalt know the man  
By the Sunnydalian garments he hath on.  
Effect it with some care, that he may prove  
More fond on her than she upon her love.  
And look thou meet me ere the first cock crow.  
Puck: Fear not, my lord, your servant shall do so.  
{Both exit}  



End file.
